fathers.

I really wanted this post to be ready for Sunday, but that just didnt happen.

As everyone knows, Sunday was Fathers Day. I started the day off early--waking up early because we needed to attend after bar mitzvah brunch. Approximately 20 minutes before we needed to leave, I went to the store to get some last minute fathers day cards. While picking one out for the uncle I would see, but dont usually get a card for, my grandfather whom I was supposed to make a card for, I scoured the shelf for one that was appropriate for my father.

I expected it to be easy--all the "thanks for being there", "you are such a great father" cards should have been gone from the slots and only the awkward, meaningless cards should have been left--leaving people like me with a few to choose from.

This year though, those cards were the ones missing. All that were left were ones with photographs of fathers and daughters walking hand in hand, ones claiming "youre the best dad ever", etc.

I poured through card after card in the short time I had--looking at every one that had a father title. As I looked through each one, I wished that one of those cards would be right for me. Not that I would find one, but that one of those cards should have been it--fitting and perfect for the day.

For my entire life, i've never been upset that my father wasnt there. My mother raised me and my sister and she did a good job. My dad is a jerk most of the time and wouldnt have been a good father if he had stuck around.

If I ever had any feelings about him not being there, it would probably be jealousy. Jealous that other people had two parents to do things with and take them places. That they got to be spoiled by their fathers because they were "daddys girls". It always seemed like fathers were such an important part of a girls life--and mine was gone because he chose to be.

Thats what really bothers me. That despite the "I love you's" and "I cant wait to see you this week"'s, my dad left me and my sister. It amazes me that he can "love us so much" but chose not to fulfill his duties as a parent. When learning about sex and stuff, they say "you make your choice the moment you dont use contraception" and my father obviously didnt make the choice of taking responsibility.

Also, its the fact that he is a "father" to my step brother and step sister. He lives with them, brings them places, does some stuff with them--and they call him Daddy. He is my Dad, not theirs. They have a dad that they see and do things with yet they have mine too.

In the end of the card picking, my sister and I ended up with two. One with a Harley Davidson logo and motorcycle saying he was "unique" and another with Peanuts characters saying things like "youre nice" instead of using specifics.

The words inside were meaningless--both by the card company and the ones we wrote.The funny thing about it...I dont feel guilty at all for picking them, writing them and handing them to him with a peck on the cheek and a grudgingly said "happy fathers day"