Sadly, one of the only things I have ever desired is to have the body that others think is hot or sexy or one that makes me cute.
I am a big girl. I hate when people use that term to describe their 130 pound body and how they are so gigantic. Yesterday, while reading an old Cosmopolitan I came across that read something along the lines of Fergies husband loves her even when she has on some extra weight--like now. My jaw almost dropped to the floor. What extra weight is Fergie carrying around that her husband may hate? Is it in her slender legs or flat stomach that gracefully filled the cover and pages of Cosmo last month? Does she weigh 110 instead of 100? Honestly, i do not understand.
I, am truly big. Larger than most adults and considered very overweight, I have always been self conscious about my body. I feel like a giant next to millions of beanstalks at school and everywhere.
While boys flock to my friends like a bee to honey, I am always the one awkwardly standing there, the one that none of the boys say is so cute or hot or would love to go out with.
Its not that I envy these girls, its that I feel so uncomfortable in the body I have. I tried to get used to it. Telling myself that "this is the way I am" and that some boys like bigger girls. Yes, maybe both are true, but its hard to ignore the way you feel every time your friends tell you about a guy that likes them or goes to their boyfriends room.
I have never had a boyfriend. A couple boys have liked me, yes. I am not afraid to say that I have made out with a few either. But none of them ever turned into anything, never were they "I really like you" "you too" passionate making out. (sorry if this is TMI)
Though Ive tried accepting myself so the world can accept me, lately it isnt working. Its not that I want to be like everyone else, its that I want to be myself in a way other people may see--instead of just seeing the fat girl.
My goal weight is far away, but I am working towards it everyday. It feels good to finally have enough guts to start working out, to get over the fact that I am not just this big girl and that I can have the body I would prefer if I work at it. Whether it takes a few months or a few years, at least I know I am trying to do something and maybe others will recognize that too.
Its hard to be an overweight teenager. I feel so uncomfortable when friends want to go to the beach or to the pool, go shopping at the mall because most stores they shop at only carry juniors sizing or when I have to change and my stomach is large and theirs is tight and flat. Its hard to hear them mention the word fat and not think that they may view you that way. I feel like people are looking at me all the time because i'm bigger than them. Sometimes, its all I can do to think that people who are my friend or want to be will like me for me--not because of how much I weigh.
I know many overweight teenagers who are perfectly happy with the way they are and I admire that. It takes a lot to like yourself whether a size 2 or 20.
Sometimes its hard not to feel bad about myself, but I try to realize that so many people have it worse. Maybe being overweight shouldnt be the most of my problems.
Ayvie,
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for you to think I know anything at 34 years old. I know it is because though I seem so far detached from where you are today, I'm not. Those days as a teenager feel like yesterday. I remember it all with such clarity.
First of all, you are so ahead of the game because you can verbalize it. That is huge! I think you are wrong that most overweight teenagers are perfectly happy the way they are - that is not true. The majority of them are just too ashamed to admit it.
I am 220 lbs. I have 70-80 lbs extra on my body right now from where I would like to be.
You are the only person I have told this too as well. And, I put it in print on your blog because I want you to know that I do understand.
When I was your age, I was a healthy 130 lbs. I have since had 4 children but it isn't baby weight anymore. It is lifestyle.
The fact that you can verbalize your struggle with your weight is a huge asset to you. You may never be a super thin girl but you can have a healthy body you can feel good in. I will never be 130 lbs again - I wouldn't be able to wear 130 lbs like I did back then. That's okay. I just want a healthy body.
The absolute worst thing you can do is to not eat regularly. It is the single worst thing you can do to your body. Whatever it takes, get breakfast every. single. day.
And then have a couple of snacks each day. A piece of fruit, a granola bar, a muffin, something like that - and if it doesn't have corn syrup or sugar in it, that's even better.
You have to eat to lose weight.
Don't eat for 2 hours before getting sedentary for the night. If you have a snack at night - go for a walk afterwords. If you eat... move.
Lastly, and this is so important, you need to drink water. And not sodas/pop. Your body needs half your weight in ounces of water each day. That's what it needs to function properly. Drink water - often.
And, please keep me posted. Email me or whatever - I'd love to keep track of your journey.
kairacrops at gmail
You can do this - but do it for you and not for anyone else. ((hugs))
Ayvie,
ReplyDeleteI too have been in your shoes. I was always the overweight girl. Not to mention I had bad acne and horrible hair. So let me tell you that I understand completely!!! One day I decided to get a hold of myself and I worked out and dieted (very extreme) and lost a lot of weight.
I met my husband and I let the weight come back on. The thing is that even though I am very overweight he still loves me. I am trying to lose the weight again but I know that God delivered him to me and it wasn't because of how skinny I was when we met because he loves me more now than he did then.
My advice is to seek God and give Him your weight issues and your issues of wanting a boyfriend. Nothing is too small or whatever you want to call it for Him. I prayed a lot for Him to deliver my husband to me.
BTW- I am very proud that you have the nerve to share this with the world. Something I could never do except on this comment form. :)
I can relate to you in so many, many ways.
ReplyDeleteI, too, look around the classroom, comparing myself to others to see if I'm the biggest in the room.
I, too, cringe when my friends (especially my closest who are natural athletes, ranked in our state) say fat because that could be how they would describe me.
I, too, desire to be the ones that boys naturally go to, rather then being their second choice.
While I'm not huge, I've never been little. For awhile I was a size four, but slowly my weight crept back on, and I'm back to being a size 10/12. And while I know, that in the scheme of things that's hardly big, I am still very insecure about my weight.
I applaud you for making attempts to change your weight! I am so very proud of you and can't wait to watch your progress in this journey! Many times I have told myself, you can do this Hannah, you can change your weight. This is up to you. I have tried, but I've haven't gotten the motivation to keep going.
Perhaps watching your success, will motivate myself to try once more!
As others already pointed out. You already made the very first step and that is to verbalize.
ReplyDeleteSomehow I can totally see you not only succeeding but also becoming a voice to inspire other people! I will follow you and check on your journey!